Golf Jokes

Amateur: Do you think I can get there with with a 5 iron? Caddie: Eventually sir. Manager: I'm sorry. Sir, we have no time open on the course today. Golfer: Wait a minute, what if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up? I'm sure you'd find a starting time for them. Manager: Of course we would, sir. Golfer: Well, I happen to know they're not coming, so we'll take their time. Amateur: ``How do you get so much backspin?'' Pro: ``Before I answer that, tell me, how far do you hit a 5 iron?'' Amateur: ``About 130.'' Pro: ``Then why in the world would you want the ball to spin back A grandfather and grandson were playing golf together. On a severely dog-legged par 4, the grandfather told the grandson, "When I was your age, I'd aim right over those trees and hit the green every time." The grandson thought about that comment and decided to give it a try. He hit a perfect drive, but it landed right in the middle of the 50 ft trees. The grandson looked sadly at the grandfather who said, "Of course when I was your age, those trees were 8 feet tall." Jeff and Ian were out for their usual round of golf one day. "Tell you what, Ian; let's make this game worth our time. I'll bet you a dollar that I score lower than you do this round." "Sounds good, Jeff." And they were off. They matched scores for the first eight holes, and things were looking good when they teed off on the ninth. After their first drives, they trooped off for the next stroke. Problem was Jeff could not find his golf ball. He looked all over, but to no avail. "Ian, help me look for the ball!" "I'll look around from here, Jeff, but don't forget--a lost ball counts as four strokes!" Jeff looked around some more, but couldn't find the ball. Finally, out of desperation, he snuck a new ball out of his pocket, and dropped it on the ground when Ian was not looking. "Ian, I've found it!" he then yelled. Ian exploded: "You cheater! How dare you! I never thought that any man I played a friendly round with would stoop to cheating for a mere dollar!" Jeff replied, "What do you mean 'cheater'? I found that ball; I'll play it where it lies!" Ian said, "That's not your golf ball! I've been standing on your ball for five minutes!" Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, the confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me." The caddy handed him the four-wood, which he topped about fifteen yards off the front of the tee. Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one hell of a putt." After hacking his way around a course with a professional golfer, the amateur asked the pro what the problem was with his game. He answered coolly and casually, "It's simple, you're standing too close to your ball............after you hit it"! QUICK LEARNER Two couples were out playing golf. One of the men sliced a ball out of the fairway. His wife went with him to look for it. They found it in a ground keeper's implement shed. Surveying things, the wife said, "I think you have a shot if I stand over here and hold the door open wider." The man, not wanting to lose a stroke, agreed. He picked up a four iron, lined up the shot and swung with all his might. He shanked the ball, which hit his wife on the head and killed her instantly. It was six months after the funeral and he decided to play golf again. On the same tee where the tragic accident happened, he sliced the ball again and . . . you guessed it . . . he was back in the shed again. This time the gentlemen riding in his cart suggested he hold the door open for him. "No way," the man said. "It made that mistake once before. I'm not going to take another 9 on this hole."     The golfer called one of the caddies and said, "I want a caddy that can count and keep the score. What’s 3 and 4 and 5 come to?" "11 sir" said the caddy. "Good, you'll do perfectly." T-shirt seen recently at a golf tournament... "I'm a golf widow... my husband wouldn't quit playing golf, so I shot him." Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. Moses tees up and hits his ball into the water trap. Nonplussed, he goes over to the lake, parts the water with his club, and hits the ball onto the green. Jesus tees up next, and also manages to land in the water trap, where the ball curiously floats. So he walks down to the lake, across the water, and hits his ball out onto the green. Last to tee up is the old man, whose ball heads straight for the water, also. As the ball hits the surface of the water, a fish jumps up and swallows it and is immediately grabbed by an eagle, which deposits the fish on the green. The ball shoots out of the fish's mouth and rolls into the cup. Jesus turns around and says, "Nice shot, Dad, but would you quit messing around and play golf?" The Basic Laws of Golf   LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.   LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.   LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.   LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.   LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.   LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems him self as an instructor.   LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.   LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.   LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.   LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?   LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.   LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.   LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.   LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three).   LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.   LAW 16: "Nice up" can usually be translated to "lousy putt. "Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one".   LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.   LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.   LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.   LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.         Summoning a golfing patient into his office, the psychiatrist looks at him happily. "You know, Jake, in this profession one rarely uses the word 'cure,' but after five years of therapy it is my distinct pleasure to pronounce you 100 per cent cured!" To his surprise, an unhappy look comes over Jake's face. "What's wrong?" asks the shrink. "This is a great success for me and a triumph for you -- I thought you'd be jumping up and down with joy." "Oh, it's great for you," the golfer snapped, "but look at it from my point of view. Last week I was Tiger Woods. Today I'm a nobody     A group of senior golfers were exchanging notes about their ailments. "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup." "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee." "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck." "My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."  "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old." "Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive ourselves to golf!" Bill, the avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a Golf Course in Heaven.  The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days. After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium. "Well," said Bill, "what did you find out?" "I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium. "OK," "what's the good news" Bill exclaimed. "Well," there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium!! "And the bad news?" asked Bill. "You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 1030 in the morning," the Medium said!!     GOOD EYES George, Harry, Pete and Al played golf together for years. When Al died, they searched for another to fill the gap. A distant acquaintance of Harry', named Frank, asked to play with them. "Well, depends," said George. The man whose place you'll be taking was our eyes. We've all got bad eyesight and he would watch us tee off and tell us where our balls went. Can you do that?" "Certainly. I've got great eyes . . . like an eagle," Frank answered. "Okay, '' the others said. "Let's play golf." George was first on the tee. It was good drive, about 210 yards, but it faded quite a bit. He turned to Frank and said, "Did you see where it went?" "Of course I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle I told you', Frank replied. "Great," George said. "It's good to have you with us." The same thing happened with the others. Frank assured them he had seen their balls. After they had all hit, they began walking down the fairway. It became obvious that Frank had no idea where any of their balls went. George said, Gee Wiz Frank. You told us you saw where our balls went." "I did," Frank replied. "I just can't remember."